The Baron

Starring Alexander, a Little Blue Penguin

The Little Blue Penguin is the smallest penguin in the world. This particular Little Blue Penguin might be small, but he has the biggest imagination ever. 

                                                           ***

Alexander was a veteran Monster Hunter and Adventurer Extraordinaire, having spent years battling Orcs, hordes of Zombies, evil wizards and races of evil underground civilizations. But every so often, something truly unnerving would cross his path. This is such a tale.

One day, the great Hero Alexander was travelling between the villages of his homeland of Iceburgia. Now, despite being only a Little Blue Penguin, Alexander was very brave, very clever, and he was very good at what he did. In his own homeland, where almost everyone knew him, he did a LOT. 

This particular occasion had our Hero carrying a basket of goodies to the next town, to deliver to a friend of his family. Despite it being a simple task, he had been accustomed to unexpected attack, as adventurers often are. As a result, he always carried his sword and shield with him. Now, the sword was balanced and functional, a gift from a grateful blacksmith, and his shield was a keepsake from his days as a Penguin Knight.  

The actual journey to the next town was fairly uneventful; no monsters to slay, no peasants to rescue, no evil plots to foil. When he finally made it that evening, though, something strange seemed to be happening. There were none of the townspenguins out and about; no workers coming back home for the day, no children playing, and no roguish types wandering down to the local watering hole for a pint of Kelp Ale and a game of darts. 

No, not a single penguin in town dared show their faces that day. When Alexander made it to the house where he was supposed to deliver the basket o’ goodies, the lady refused to answer the door at first. “Shhh!” she whispered through the door, “Stop making so much noise! The Baron will know where we are!”

“The Baron?” inquired the Little Blue Penguin, “Has someone been scaring folks around here?”

“You’d better get inside quick. I’ll need to show you something.”

 So Alexander entered the humble dwelling and set his basket of goodies next to the door. Inside the house were several penguins, very few of which actually lived there, hiding out. He was pointed toward one of them, sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth with his hands over his beak. Alexander squatted next to him on the floor and asked, “What has happened here?”

The penguin responded by moving his hands away from his face, revealing one nostril to be much larger than the other one. “He crammed his flipper WAY up my nose! All the time shrieking about ‘flipper in die nosen’! My beak won’t look right for days!”

“Ooh, that looks like it hurts…” mumbled Alexander, “How many more of you are like this?”

About a third of the penguins in the room raised a flipper, shocking the Little Blue Penguin. “So, tell me about this Baron…”

From what he could piece together, listening to the townspenguins in the room, the culprit was a newcomer to the area, known as Baron Heinrich von Nosenflipper. He was a Royal Penguin from far away, and had a strange, shrill accent to his voice. The Baron was spotted wearing a monocle and top hat, opera cape, and lederhosen. No one sees him until it’s too late, and the sound of his voice is unmistakable. And according to the ones hiding out, he comes at night. 

It was almost night, and the villagers were in hiding. As long as he was here, The Hero Alexander would have to try to take care of this little problem. He did not have to wait very long. 

The Little Blue Penguin set up a watch outside in the town square, under burning torches. To entice the Baron to attack, he tried to make his beak look as big as possible. In less than an hour, he heard odd, haunting laughter in the distance. It seemed to come from all around him, growing louder each second. 

“Ja, ist coming for you…”

Alexander drew his sword and got his shield ready. It was go time. 

“Ja, vat a suber NOSEN you have…”

In the gloom, Alexander could see the outline of a large penguin in a top hat against the sparse torchlight. It seemed to float, as if buoyant in the air, toward him. It moved slowly at first, then with alarming speed. It was upon him, flipper at the front. 

“Die flipper ist in der NOSEN! Ja! Ich bin der Baron Heinrich von Nosenflipper! HAHAHAHA!”

The Little Blue Penguin’s nose was saved by his shield, a sturdy device that held off the vile attacks of von Nosenflipper. With a great shove, Alexander drove him back and got in a single swing with his sword. He connected with a powerful hit, but was unable to cut or damage. “What is this guy made of?” he thought to himself.

Baron Heinrich von Nosenflipper began to laugh again, a syrupy, bubbly sound, and renewed his attack. Again, Alexander repelled him, skillfully using his sword to parry and counter, and his shield to block and push. Others had put up a fight before, but this Little Blue one carrying the shield of a Penguin Knight seemed different. It didn’t matter, though. He seemed unable to hurt the Baron, anyway. 

But he could make it difficult. A lucky swing caught one of the straps of his lederhosen, slicing it deftly across. Nosenflipper stopped in shock, and glanced down at his torn clothing. He really liked those lederhosen, and they were difficult to come by in this part of the world. So, for the first time ever, Baron Heinrich von Nosenflipper was forced to retreat.  He flapped his flippers mightily, and floated softly from the ground. He was outlined briefly by the moon behind him, prominently featuring his top hat and opera cape fluttering in the wind, and said, “I vill get you next time, little Knight. Und then, I vill have mein flipper in der nosen!” The next moment, he was gone. 

Alexander spent the rest of the night sleeping in the relative safety of the town. The next morning, he equipped himself and got ready for his next quest. “Ok,” said the Little Blue Penguin to no one in particular, “I will be ready for the next time. If my sword can’t harm you, then I will have to find one than can.”

-fin-